Everybody Needs Somebody

Team Humanity Messages of Hope #13

I have absolutely no idea how I would have survived my severe reaction to the COVID vaccine without my husband Pedro. Incredible doesn’t even begin to describe him. He definitely took the words “for better or for worse” and “in sickness and in health” very seriously. 

The past three and a half years have included a lot of “for worse” and a lot of “in sickness.” Much more than either of us ever would have imagined at our age. In the beginning, I spent a lot of time feeling awful about all that my husband had to do for me. I was not used to asking for assistance for anything, let alone needing help to do simple tasks. 

I could barely move. I was in so much pain. I had crushing fatigue and would often lie down on the kitchen floor because a chair was too far away. Pedro did everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. 

I had always been independent. I was the helper, not the one who needed help. I prided myself on being the one that could scan a room, notice someone in need, and rush to assist them. Amanda, my yoga therapist (message me if you are interested in connecting with this amazing woman, she has been so influential in my healing journey), calls this “my caretaking manager part.” She is right. And it’s a huge part of me. 

It’s a part of me that I was forced to set aside when I first got injured. I wasn’t able to take care of myself. Pedro prepared food for me, set me up with heating pads, and drove me to more doctors appointments and hospitals than I can count. 

Setting aside my caretaking manager part was extremely uncomfortable for me. Even letting my own husband become my caretaking manager made me feel unworthy of his love. I felt unworthy because this level of assistance to function wasn’t supposed to happen until we were in our 80s at the earliest.

Pedro had told me many times before this all happened “Nací para quererte” (translation: “I was born to love you”). He was not only willing, he took on the role with diligence, love and without hesitation or resentment. So why was I so resistant to his help?

Why, when I had a man who loves me with his whole heart and soul, couldn’t I relax into that love and let him take over? I think if I had softened into the “taking” part instead of the familiar “care manager” part I would have healed faster. 

I was so uncomfortable letting anyone help me, including my own husband. I literally constricted my muscles like I was shrinking away from the help he was trying to give me. 

I didn’t want to have to need it. I felt mad that I was disabled overnight. I felt sad that I couldn’t take care of myself. I felt guilty for all that Pedro had to take on because I was no longer able bodied. I felt selfish for needing so much help. And, I felt unsure of how I could go on like this, letting him help me at this level of intensity for the rest of our lives. 

Not letting the help in kept me stuck in the flare up loop. Anytime I would start to feel a bit better I would immediately try to do more for myself, Pedro, my kids and the vaccine injured community. As soon as I did, I would crash.

I am learning that part of being a good human is learning how to accept help from others. I am still a work in progress. When someone helps me or wants to give something to me, I immediately look for a way I can try to help them or give them something. But, chances are good they may not need my help at that moment in which they have an abundance of resources and energy to help me. 

Everybody needs somebody who takes care of them and somebody to take care of. It works both ways. This mutual exchange is powerful. I may be more comfortable taking care of others, but I also need to learn to let others take care of me. And if that is my life’s lesson, I have definitely been put to the test these last three years. When I pass the test and let that love and caring in, when I soften to the kindness of others, that energy is magical. 

I have to remember how good it feels to give. I love when I am in a place of abundance in energy and love, so much so that I can freely give and support others. It feels amazing to give of my time, energy, money and support to someone who appreciates it. Why would I deny anybody, including my own husband, from having that same feeling?

Pedro, gracias, danke schön and thank you in a thousand other languages for all you have done and continue to do for me day in and day out. You are beyond incredible and I am beyond grateful for your love and support. I wish for each and every person suffering from an adverse reaction to the COVID vaccine or any health struggle that they have a Pedro in their life.  

Photo by Wilhelm Gunkel on Unsplash

If you or someone you know has been injured by the Covid vaccine please let them know about Team Humanity. We are a community of somebodies here to help you. You are not alone. Everybody needs somebody. It is not a sign of weakness to need somebody, it is a sign you are part of humanity. Let your somebody in. I promise, it’s more beautiful than you can imagine.