I am quick to reject my own sadness. I tell myself that I have so much to be grateful for that I start “shoulding” on myself with all the reasons why I don’t deserve to be sad.
I have a roof over my head.
I have food in my cabinets.
I have a loving husband.
I have wonderful kids.
I have my ability to walk unassisted again.
The list goes on and on. I somehow have a lot of trouble sitting with both the “I haves” and the “I feel sad.” I feel like they are not allowed to go together. Did someone teach me this? Was it a message I picked up from society? Is this an innate law that I am not allowed to complain if someone else has it worse because I shouldn’t be ungrateful? Or is this just my soul’s journey?
I have a feeling I am not the only one that feels this way. After suffering a severe adverse reaction after my second COVID vaccine I wanted to find others who were also suffering because I didn’t want them to be alone.
When I found them, all of my new friends were in so much pain. But, when they shared their pain with me they often said, “But it is not as bad as what you are going through,” or “It’s bad, but at least I never had to use a wheelchair.”
But their skin was burning with neuropathy, their heart rates were erratic and the pain was so intense they could barely stand it. It was awful for them, yet they didn’t want to complain because someone had it worse. How bad did it have to be before they showed themselves the same empathetic kindness they were giving to me?
This is what I call the self uncompassionate quick shove. And, it doesn’t do our bodies, our souls or our healing any good. We force ourselves to move past a moment of recognition for our own suffering, a moment of sharing our own struggles, straight to the thought that “others have it worse, so I don’t deserve to feel this way.”
The Self UnCompassionate Kwik (quick) Shove, or the SUCKS technique for short, does just that. It sucks. It is also contagious. When people tell me that their reaction wasn’t as bad as mine first I feel sad that they are utilizing the SUCKS technique on themselves and then my mind starts going to how my situation wasn’t as bad as others.
Then I get stuck in my own SUCKS technique.
Feelings don’t need to be deserved. They don’t need to be right. They just are. They are a part of being human. And when we use the SUCKS technique on ourselves and our own suffering it keeps us from witnessing our own needs. It stifles the very softening towards ourselves that it is essential to move through tough emotions. It sucks the air out of our own self compassion.
The other weekend, I had a moment with my family when I was not my best self. I was still in an amped up emotional state when I quickly jumped to apologizing for my reaction. Thankfully, my beautiful, wise soul of a daughter told me to give myself a minute. I didn’t need to apologize at that moment. I needed to allow myself time to be mad and sad about what triggered me.
I needed my 17 year old daughter to tell me to give myself a little space and some self compassion. She even told me what she was most concerned about in my not so pretty, human moment, was that I would be mad at myself for a long time afterwards. She wasn’t angry at me for my outburst. She was worried that I would stay angry with myself about my reaction.
Wow, just wow! How did I get so lucky to have a teenage daughter who is so empathetic?
She was willing to give me the time, space and compassion that I was so quick to dismiss for myself even though I desperately needed it. On top of that, she was guiding me to do the exact same thing for myself. And, she gave me the permission that I needed to take more than a hot second at that moment to feel everything I was feeling rather than shove those emotions aside and apologize.
Sadness is hard, but it’s real. It will stick to you longer if you shove it aside. It will come back at you in ways that don’t support your body, mind and spirit. Even if you do honor your sadness now, it is likely to come back in new ways with new experiences.
Don’t reject sadness. Honor and love and soften towards it. I know from experience that it is not easy. But, like my daughter did for me last weekend, I am reminding you now.
Give yourself permission to take more than a hot second, to be sad and mad about the tough things going on in your life or with your loved ones. Even if it isn’t as bad as what someone else has going on. Even if you have a roof over your head, food in your cabinets, a loving spouse, wonderful kids and you can walk.
Your pain, sadness, anger and grief are all real. You shove them aside in an uncompassionate way and they will come back to bite you. True healing comes when we stop rejecting our sadness and start listening to it, honoring it, and holding ourselves with the same love we offer to others.
Very insightful, Suzie! And Allie is amazing! You have done a wonderful job of parenting both your kiddos. Love you big, Helen.
As you have taught me, this has been a pandemic of trauma. We've all had it. It is real and thank you for reminding all of us to acknowledge the pain of this era.