The Week Everything Went Wrong — and How I Learned to Choose Calm
What Personal Chaos Taught Me About Contagious Calm
Photo: Our vacation before the return to chaos.
I live in Saint Paul, Minnesota. I was away on vacation and returned to chaos a week ago both personally and in my community. It made me feel like I wanted to keep my bags packed and head straight back to the airport.
There is chaos in our state yet again. We live less than a mile away from the detention center. Helicopters are flying over our house right now and a few nights ago flash bangs were so loud that they were shaking our windows.
The more able bodied version of me, prior to my severe reaction to the COVID vaccine almost 5 years ago, would have wanted to get involved in a more active, yet peaceful way. I am not well enough to do that now. God and the universe also sent me a slew of other personal chaos to deal with, forcing me to pause to put out my own personal fires.
The Personal Chaos
The Furnace. As we were headed to the airport to return back to Minnesota, my son called and told me there was smoke coming out of the vents. Something was very wrong with the furnace. Based on what my calm and handy friend Mike heard about the situation, he diagnosed it from 1,800 miles away. When the technician came the next day, Mike was right. The blower motor had burnt out.
Photo: The old, broken blower motor from our furnace. It could have started a fire.
The Car. Then the next morning as my husband drove my car to work, it started smoking from under the hood. My car is a 2013 with over 110K miles on it. One more potential big and expensive thing to handle.
The Hospital. Then the following day as my son was picking me up from the car repair station, my sister called me to tell me the ambulance had just left the house with mom. She was very sick again. Flashbacks to August hit me when she was hospitalized for almost two months from a different virus.
I have come a very, very long way through a ton of personal growth post severe reaction to the COVID vaccine that has allowed me to approach chaos completely differently. Here is what I would have done before and it would not have been pretty.
The Old Approach to Personal Chaos
The Furnace. Freak out about how much money it was going to cost to fix it and worry constantly about the pipes freezing. Get angry and more worried that it was going to take from Thursday to Tuesday with no furnace. Obsess for months about whether we made the right decision to repair or replace the furnace.
The Car. Freak out about how much money it was going to cost to fix it and worry (see the pattern here) that it was going to explode before we could get it serviced. Get angry (another pattern) that more bad things were happening “to me”.
The Hospital. Race as quickly as I could to the hospital and stay there all night if I had to without stopping to eat or even use a bathroom.
The pain and suffering from my severe reaction to the COVID vaccine, has forced me into a long term pause that is full of lessons when chaos hits. Here is how I am handling the personal chaos this time. It absolutely requires a pause.
The New Approach to Chaos
The Furnace. Be grateful that no fire was started, my son was safe, a potential repair could be made instead of a replacement and my sweet neighbor had space heaters to lend to us. Be grateful that I had money in the bank to pay the bill.
The Car. Be grateful (see the new pattern) that it was not the radiator, it was the windshield wiper hose spilling fluid onto the radiator causing the smoke. Be grateful that I had money in the bank to pay the bill.
The Hospital. Be grateful that my mom didn’t lose her voice this time and was much stronger than the August hospital stay. I stopped to use the bathroom before racing off to the hospital. I left my mom in her ER room for 15 minutes to buy food and eat it in the hospital cafeteria and went home at 9pm to sleep in my own bed once I had talked to the doctors, knew the plan and could tell my mom was stable.
Photo: My mom is doing much better at a transitional care unit.
The Old Approach to Chaos = Fear + Anxiety + Panic + Worry + Frantic Energy + Obsession + Control
The New Approach to Chaos is not without some or all of the above AND = Slowing Down to Witness the Feelings + Self Compassion + Self Support + Gratitude + Peace
When I slow down enough I can get back to knowing what I need to regulate my own self.
First, I ask myself about the basics because I cannot support, help others or even help myself if the basics aren’t covered.
The Basics = Sleep + Hydration + Food
When the world feels like too much and you think you just can’t take it anymore. You HAVE to HAVE to HAVE to get back to the basics. Sleep is my number one every time. Losing sleep is the fastest way to lose your mind and mental health.
The Witnessing = Noticing how my emotions and surroundings are impacting me
Who and what am I interacting with? Is it adding to or lessening my fear, anxiety and stress? Should I stop scrolling? What is my brain focused on?
The Honoring = Allow myself space to feel and accept those feelings. Share my feelings with my husband, family or trusted friend.
I refrain from judging myself harshly for being overwhelmed. Talking about my frustrations can be a helpful release when I choose the right people.
The Gratitude = Find things I can be grateful for. Gratitude is the anecdote to depression. It makes not sweating the stuff that seems to be big, actually smaller.
Although a furnace going out in January in Minnesota feels big, it is not life threatening. That shift towards gratitude gets your catastrophe brain unstuck.
The Peace = Meditation, softening my body, my words, my interactions with myself and others helps peace to settle in.
So often I will notice tension in my jaw, eyes, shoulders and stomach. Softening my body signals to my brain that I am safe. I have also started following The Walk for Peace. I recommend it if you want
The energy that I project out into the world is contagious. If I had used the old approach to chaos for the furnace, car and hospital maybe, (we will never know), everything would have worked out the same way it did.
But, I would have spent a whole lot of unnecessary energy which would have rippled out to the furnace and car diagnostic and repairmen, my sick mom and those helping her in the hospital, and directly to my family.
That is true for anyone. On the plane ride home from our vacation there were two babies near us. On the 4 hour flight there were times when both were calm and times when both were screaming at the top of their lungs. One would start screaming and within 20 seconds the other one would start. They were emotionally in sync.
Day cares see it all the time. The streets of Minnesota are seeing it now as well. Emotions are contagious be it calm or chaos. It starts inside you. Be the peace that you want to see in the world.
If you need a break from doom and gloom and if this hasn’t yet reached your algorithm feeds, check out the Walk for Peace. It’s beautiful. Their message is one of Team Humanity. Love wins.
Beautiful! Yes, yes, and yes. I am praying more, reacting less and recognizing that there are good people on both sides, evil on all sides and deceived people all around. We can make a difference when we show up for one another. Love you!
What a beautiful reminder to change how we are viewing our life. I’m sorry that you had to have such a crash course to come home into your deeper spirit. Sometimes think many of us who had an experience like yours or even more for a lifetime of it for this time right now. I understand that humanity and all people are not good. But most of us are and that’s where we put our energy. We can stand strong because we know about the dark side of people and we know about the light in the Healing. Thank you for sharing your gifts and experiences. That’s what we need in these times.