Untethered

Finding my footing after loss, a move, and an emptying nest.

Note: I wrote this a few weeks ago. I am feeling more grounded. It confirms that time is a healer and everything changes if you wait long enough.

I feel untethered.

My son graduated from a two year program and is starting two more years in August, my daughter graduated from high school and is starting college in August, my mom died in April and we moved to Florida last week.

I am in the midst of so much change and transition. Most of it is good. But, it is full of unknowns and the unknown is hard.

A mother is usually grounding, if you are lucky. You are physically tethered to her until the umbilical cord is cut. I do feel as if our souls are forever tethered, but I don’t have the luxury of her physical hugs anymore, a knowing glance, or her voice on the other end of the phone.

I am here in the present in Florida. I have stuck my feet into the sand, but my head and my heart is wondering what exactly is next. Where do I fit, what should I be doing?

There it is again, the “Human Doing” versus “Human Being.”

In April 2021 I had such a severe reaction to the COVID vaccine that I could not “Do” at all. I was stuck on the couch or in bed. It was scary. I felt the kind of crushing fatigue you get when you are ill with a virus, except it didn’t get better.

My body forced me to be a human being. I really wish it hadn’t taken a major health issue to get me to slow down and realize I was worthy just as I am.

Even without a health crisis, all humans go through big transitions. At these times we reevaluate life. I am in the midst of some of the biggest: selling a house, moving across the country, my youngest going off to college and my mom dying.

Where does that leave me exactly? It leaves me in a place of uncertainty. It leaves me in a place where I need to be open to newness. New friends, new places, new activities. But, the protective part of me wants to stay in and hide where it feels a little safer.

That untethered feeling has me scared. I don’t feel like I am my best self right now. It is hard to be when you feel unsure.

I am happy for warmer weather and sunshine. I know my body not only needs it, but thrives on it. Both my neurologist and rheumatologist recommended warmer weather and a sea level climate for the health issues I am dealing with.

I am grateful that I was able to make that happen together with my amazing husband and kids.

What’s next? I truly don’t know.

And maybe that’s the lesson I’m slowly learning. I don’t have to know yet.

For now, my feet are in the Florida sand. I am settling into a new home. I am grieving my mom while carrying her with me in new ways. I am learning, once again, that being untethered allows for room to grow.

Simply put, I am between what was and what will be.

Time has already begun to do what it always does. It has softened the sharp edges. I’m feeling more grounded than I was when I first wrote these words, and that reminds me that no season lasts forever.

P.S. If you are in Minnesota on August 9, I will be back for the YWCA Triathlon, where Minnesota Team Humanity will have 23 racers supporting those who experienced COVID vaccine injuries. We’d love to have you join us at Lake Nokomis wearing purple in support of Team Humanity.