On Saturday we moved my son into college housing for his first year. Last Thursday my daughter got her driver’s license. Needless to say it was a big week of important firsts in our household. This all comes with a huge shift for me as well.
After my daughter got home from using the car alone last night, which was also our first night back from dropping our son off at college, I had the most sound sleep of the past 18 years.
For my son, I am no longer sleeping with one eye open wondering if he made it safely in for the night or checking on him when I see his light is still on at 4am.
For my daughter, I am no longer sitting next to her giving her minor recommendations of how to drive while I search for dangers like kids running out into the street or cars with drivers who are texting and getting too close to us.
I am shifting from hypervigilance to support. It is part of The Great Undoing for me. Undoing the always on fight or flight amygdala part of my mom brain that started when I was pregnant. The fear that something will hurt my babies and I am responsible to ensure their safety. It’s a shift to knowing that I have taught them what I could and even though I will always be here to support them, they are now responsible to keep themselves safe.
I am also working on this same shift from hypervigilance to support for myself post severe adverse reaction to the COVID vaccine. Within hours of receiving my shot, my amygdala was firing on all cylinders. My heart rate and blood pressure were wildly erratic and at crisis levels. The pain in my spine and joints was emergency room level intense. My right pupil was dilating making my vision blurry. I was running into walls due to dizziness and the crushing fatigue left me unable to walk unassisted.
I went from an intense full time job in Corporate America, doing triathlons and biking 75 miles to being unable to take care of myself. My fight or flight switch was not only turned on, it was sounding alarms everywhere in my body. The switch was turned on fast and loud and got stuck in alarm mode for years. I no longer felt safe in my own body.
Safety is the most basic need. One doesn’t thrive or heal when in a state of fearing for their safety. One survives. Surviving is the only thing that is needed when a real threat is imminent.
But what about when the real threats in the form of symptoms on the list of “head straight to the ER” are deemed “non life threatening” and you know for certain that you aren’t having a panic attack? How does one move towards normalization after being in survival mode? How does one trust that your body will go on? You can’t just flip off a simple switch. If you can, sign me up. I want to buy that switch.
I am trying on a dimmer switch instead and I recommend it to everyone who experiences fight or flight in any situation. For me, the dimmer switch helps to dial down the alarm bells and move to a place of safety. When the switch goes bright and I start running into walls, experiencing dizziness, heart palpitations and debilitating fatigue, I can turn the dimmer to the left a bit and normalize these symptoms.
Activating my dimmer switch includes noticing the symptoms and instead of running down the list of how these symptoms mean I am dying, I support myself with resources I have found to be helpful and I wait for the symptoms to subside.
I can start to heal when the dimmer switch isn’t turned all the way on.
We can all start to heal when we dial back the harsh lights of our hypervigilance alarm bells to what is going on inside of us, within our families, neighbors, and in our world.
We can all start to heal when we move towards supporting ourselves, our families, neighbors, and our world.
We can all start to heal when we stop fearing people who think differently than us.
We can all start to heal when we see the connection of what it is to be human and how that makes our life experiences more alike than different.
We can all start to heal when we first support ourselves turning our dimmer switches to the left a bit, casting a less harsh light, allowing us each to get the best sleep of our lives.
Our hypervigilance will turn into support.
The beautiful, softened glow of light from turning down the dimmer switch will shine on our shared humanity, moving us out of fear for ourselves and of each other towards curiosity, support and ultimately land on love. Love is where we can all heal.
The covid trauma has forced us all to reassess what is important and what battles to fight. I choose to fight for the vaccine injured. I have been blessed by the relationships, and knowledge I've acquired as a result. I am growing in ways I could have never imagined and I have had to take many leaps of faith, but the results are my favorite part of the covid era.
You nailed it! Your prose and insight are helpful and inspiring. This week’s blog especially hits home with my oldest at college too. I like the dimmer switch idea! I need to turn that thing on😆. Also, the whole fight or flight mode is true about the toll it takes on someone. I constantly am trying to calm the unintentional F/F mode I find myself in. I really appreciate your reflections and keep warrioring on! Love you!